The Heart of a Warrior

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake in the morning you are still with me." Psalms 139:17,18

Dear Hogan,

You continue to amaze me. I am so thankful that you are here. We are celebrating our 13th guys night out in the NICU together and they just keep getting better! Hogan, you are a warrior. You are my hero. I am so thankful that you have fought so hard and won so many battles. I continue to thank God for being able to be with you on your journey. I am thankful that I am able to watch God use you to grow families closer like you have done to ours. I am so thankful. I praise God that you are being used and that people have told me that their lives have been changed forever because of you Hogan. I know it is hard for you to think about or understand things like this because you are just hoping to make it to the next minute, hour or day.

I wanted to let you know I had a person who I don't know ask me today how many more days the doctors were giving you to live. I thought to myself, don't we all wish we knew the answer to that question?! It is the same question I asked Dr. V after you were born. He told us that you would live 5 to 7 days at best and that his life would probably end sooner. He gave this judgement on his observation of your work of breathing and his weight and his lung and heart size. We can change the number of days that you are alive on our board every day but we can't put the end date on the board yet. We don't know when the last number will go up on your board. We don't know the last number on anyones board though Hogan. Nobody knows when their last breath will be taken. We do know that everyone will take a last breath though. It is important to understand that what is important is how you honor God with the days you are given in this life.

Hogan, please keep fighting to live. We were told we probably wouldn't have a live birth. We were told that most people terminate T18 babies. We were told that T18 babies weren't compatible with life. I am so thankful that we are able to spend this precious time together. We couldn't dream of missing out on the miracle of you. We are so proud of you!

I can't believe that your day was so crazy. Did you know that we set another record here at St. Mary's today? I guess it wasn't me.... it was you and your mom! Your mom got up to the NICU to see you an hour after having gave birth to you by c-section. We were told that the fastest that any mother made it up here after a c-section birth was at best 3 hours but probably more like 4! Your mom holds a record here Hogan! Aren't you proud of her? She wanted to see you so much! Today was your day to set some more records. I had left to run home to get your big brother and take him to preschool for his class pictures this morning while your mom hung out with you. Well, I hadn't even gotten Noah to preschool when your mom called me to let me know you were having heart issues and asked me when I could get back to the hospital. Nurse Lisa thought that I might want to come back here just in case. We were told that you were having "PVC's". These "PVC's" aren't a big deal to a normal person or a normal baby if they happen periodically. The problem was that you were having them constant and after every heart contraction. Your heart is already compromised so the extra stress isn't good.

Dr. Morales and Dr. "V" wanted to get blood work and also monitor you for a little while to determine what step to take next. I was able to get your brother to his school to take pictures and get back to the hospital just in time to see Dr. Morales and get the report with you mother. He told us that they had decided to cut back down the volume of food you were getting to see if that would help you. Your heart would start having these "PVC's" periodically on and off all morning and early afternoon. Your work of breathing wasn't good either. The good thing is that late this afternoon you started to get better. Your heart stopped having the irregularities and you actually started breathing a little better then you were earlier. Your mother and I are so thankful that you have improved. We understand that this problem could come back tonight and that your breathing could get worse at any minute but right now you are stable.

I also wanted to let you know that Noah and Lily are so proud of you. Noah asked your grandmother to tell you that he loved you the other night. That was really neat to hear but when your grandmother told me that the first thing that Noah asked her when she returned home was if she had told you that he loved you. You make our family better Hogan. You make me a better person.

Your mother and I are praying that you have a good night tonight. I also don't want you to think that we are the only people praying for you Hogan. You have an army of prayer warriors. The army keeps growing every day. God is using your fight to live and your life story to change lives Hogan. I know I have told you how much you have changed our family but you are changing other families. I get messages all day long from people that have been impacted by your 3 pound body. It warms my heart to read messages of children that are praying for you and asking about your health. They love you Hogan. You are a hero to many. You are a warrior for God's kingdom. I know you have got to be tired. I know you have got to be exhausted. I can't thank you enough for continuing your journey. You have been on a mission since you started this journey and I pray that your journey continues. You are special Hogan.

I love you.