Remembering the ones...

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18 NLT

Dear Hogan,

It sure is strange typing these letters with you not laying in front of me in your isolette in the NICU at St. Mary's. The more I think about your life and your journey the more amazed I am. You helped me realize just how big of a God that we serve. I heard somebody thanking God for all of the great things that were going on in their life recently. They finished there statement with "God is good". What if things weren't going so great for someone? Would that same person name off all of the bad things that were going on in their life and say "God is not good"? I would hope not! God is good all of the time. It doesn't mean that just because you are a believer that you won't have any problems. It doesn't mean that you won't have a baby and have that baby die of a condition called Trisomy 18 or something similar. It doesn't mean that you or someone you love won't be diagnosed with cancer. Hogan, I love you and miss you so much but God is good. I don't understand why some things happen and probably never will but God is good.

I wanted to let you know how honored we were that Mrs. Peacock spoke of your life at the March of Dimes baby walk here in Athens on Friday night. Angie, Noah, Lily and I were there to support the event and to honor your life along with the other babies. You would have loved being there! Many of your friends from St. Mary's were there along with Hairy Dawg, some big bear and a dinosaur from Publix... he was Noah and Lily's favorite!

I have been thinking back on your journey. Hogan, we honestly weren't planning to have another child. You were a surprise to us. I remember your mom was having some thyroid problems. I went to Kroger to buy pregnancy tests one night to see if it was thyroid or baby!?! The test confirmed it was a baby! We were shocked at first. I honestly thought nothing but negative thoughts for the first couple of hours. I am so sorry for thinking about the long term and all of the responsibilities that come with another child. I think it is natural for a man to think that way but it's no excuse... I should have been thankful from the first moment! I walked into the living room and just sat there for a while. I was so overwhelmed. I told Angie that we would have 3 kids in college at the same time. I told her that we would have 3 of this and 3 of that.... I was so selfish in my thought process. It didn't take long for Angie to open my eyes. She said "honey" we aren't guaranteed anything in life. We might not be here for the birth or for college and our kids might not be here either. We can't assume anything. Hogan, I thank God for your mother opening my eyes. It was at the moment that I realized she was totally right. It was a turning point for me. I also thought back to the Hotel Indigo in Scottsdale, Arizona. I thought to myself, God might use this little baby for a special purpose. I had NO idea how special this baby (you) would be. My thoughts soon turned from nervous fear to thankful anticipation. I thought that it would be nice to have more diapers strolling through the house. I also thought that God was going to let me enjoy this birth because I was not able to enjoy Lily's birth as much because I was preoccupied with the death of your grandad (my dad). It turns out that God did allow me to enjoy your birth. I never took one moment for granted. I pray that I will never take any moment for granted again. You are always on my mind Hogan.

I also think back on many things that were interesting along the way. A friend told me one day that although we pray for healing at certain points that death always comes back. It's temporary healing that we pray. Another comment that I thought was interesting was... isn't it funny that all of the abortion supporters weren't aborted. I have never heard from one child or adult that was aborted to hear how they stand on the issue. I have said this before and I will say it again, I am thankful that our family gave you a chance and we are so thankful for the memories and the life lessons that we have learned from God through you.

I thank God for you because now I can remember the one's like you. I can enjoy the "ones" that I talked about in my first blog and I can also relate to the families so much better. I wasn't comfortable for whatever reason with "ones" before you were diagnosed. I have no idea why that I wasn't but it's not that I didn't want too... it was just uncomfortable for me. Hogan, you rocked my world and turned that feeling upside down (thank God!). I now see true beauty. It isn't the people that are on the front of national magazines. It's ones like you! I am not saying that there aren't great people on the front of those magazines but it's just that you never see the "ones" like you! Your story is special. God used your journey for good.

Noah and Lily love looking at your pictures around the house. They love you so much.

I miss you and will always love you Hogan.