Mother's Day 2010

Angie loving on Hogan in the NICU at St. Mary's in April 2010.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. Romans 5:3 NLT

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:23-26 NLT

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you. Psalm 9:10 NLT

Dear Hogan,

I wish I could have communicated this with you when you were in the NICU with me hanging out for our "guys night out". I miss you.

It has taken a little while to get through some storms that have come since you left this earth. We love you and we have our faith in Jesus. We are thankful for the time that we got to spend with you on this earth but it still doesn't take the pain away. Hogan, I know people go through so much worse events and we are blessed to have spent some special time with you. You are in Heaven. You have a perfect body. We know all of this but for some reason that "chamber" in our hearts is still empty. We are praying that God will help heal that hidden chamber.

I wanted you to know that the "Hogan's Heroes" children's library at Prince Avenue Christian School in honor of your life is in the works! Your mother and I are meeting with the school on Wednesday to see what can be done. We are so thankful for all of your friends that contributed or prayed for this to happen in your honor. There have been so many cards, notes, prayers, contributions to charities in your honor Hogan. You impacted so many lives and for that I am so thankful.

We will celebrate mother's day tomorrow here. I know it will be tough on your mom tomorrow. She misses you so bad. Your sister and brother have gotten her a surprise and worked on a card for her! I wish you could have been here to celebrate with us.

I have been thinking as usual about your life and remembering things about your journey. Since tomorrow is mother's day I started thinking about all mother's in general. I believe that to be a parent of a child is one of the most unbelievable gifts that someone can experience. My heart goes out to those that can't have children. I can't understand how a mother of a child or a father of a child can't believe in Jesus. All babies are miracles. The birth of a child and the development of a child is nothing short of amazing. I have had to visit the hospital a few times since you left this world and when I step back into St. Mary's it feels different. I can't really explain it but it feels different. There are so many mixed emotions. There are always babies being born and happy faces all around. I pray that parents don't take a healthy baby for granted. I know I did until last year. It makes me want to go tell them all of your story so maybe they will hold their baby a little tighter or love on them a little more than they might would have otherwise.

I will never forget Dr. Rosemond standing up on that Thursday afternoon in November of 2009 and telling us that you had some things on the ultrasound that concerned him. Hogan, it brings tears to my eyes to think back on that day. It was at that moment that your mom turned into a child in my eyes. She turned into your "papa's daughter". She wasn't my wife for a few minutes. I looked at her and I saw a little girl that's heart was broken. I will never forget looking at her on that table and my heart being broken. It wasn't only for her but it was for both of you. I had feelings that were so torn. I hurt for you and I hurt for your mom. I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do but pray to God and try and comfort your mother.

I had the same feeling the early morning hours of April 18th. Hogan, when you passed away, your mother turned into that little girl again in my eyes. She held you for a long time after your heart had stopped and your heart stopped beating. She kept talking to you and holding you tight. You looked like a baby doll in her arms. It was only a few hours later that we were home and Lily was awake. She was walking around the house with a baby doll. Hogan, it is just one of those things that most women are born to do and that is to love a child. In my mind I thought back to your mom's early years and how she probably did the same thing. Your mother is a special woman. She is a gift from God. I pray that all mother's will be honored and treated special tomorrow and I pray that all mother's realize the gift that they have been given.

I hope that all the mother's that stumble across this blog have a great Mother's Day tomorrow and every day after tomorrow!

I love you.